Me. The Smallest Gal at the Smallest Bar. LOL.

Everytime I stop blogging, there's only one reason why.

It's always because I've found a job and started working.

I really admire those people who are still able to find the time to blog even though they are working. For me is like since I work 6 days a week, my one miserable off day is spent catching up on sleep. And I feel that if you work 6 days, 1 day off feels like nothing. It just whooshes by just like that and its time to work again before you know it. Fuck sian la.

Then in whatever little spare time I have, is mostly spent on the cats. They've gotten so used to having me around 24/7. I think that they miss me when I go to work. Even though Bianbian is usually aloof, she hovers around the door everytime I leave the room. And comes and kneads on my blanket when I'm sleeping.

JuuJuu too. She still has the habit to come and lay beside my head and nibble on my face. Diao.

Oh well, no choice also. Have to earn money to support you fattys. Otherwise how you guys stay cute and fat hor. Lol.


Anyway, I found a job as a bar waitress. The job's certainly been ( for lack of a better word ) interesting so far. Entertaining at times too I guess.

I have three japanese bosses. Who are all men. And I'm the only waitress at my bar because it's a newly opened one. Which is really an advantage for me because this also means no other female around. No chances of anyone bitching, backstabbing or sabotaging me at work. Phew! But then again, catering to three different bosses is not easy. Especially when each is so different in character from another.

It gets really frustrating sometimes but I think I have gotten sorta used to it by now.

When I have more time ( Unlikely! ), I may post some pictures up and all.

Now is time to go back to sleep... Zzz

Being Rejected

What do you do with your life when you are regarded as the useless stupid one of the two daughters your parents have had.

I guess nothing. Just get on with life. And don't tell me to prove that I'm not the useless stupid one because I can't suddenly be a smarty pants and grow brains.

Why am I the useless stupid one? Simply because I'm not academically inclined. Not good with books. Because I didn't accomplish anything. Make something out of myself. Didn't end up being something like my mum or dad. Which is like a accountant and lecturer. Instead I went and learned useless shitty stuff like nail and make up stuffy. I tried learning accounts to please them. But a quarter through the course I realised I just couldn't get through any farther anymore. I just didn't understand. Dad maybe could have helped but I wouldn't want him teaching me anything after the horrible experience of him giving tuition to me when I was a kid still stuck in my head. Non-stop asking of why was I so stupid.

Haiz.

I wanted to learn driving. Get a driver's license. Told mum that and all she did was pretend I didn't exist and said my sis should go learn driving. Here I was talking about me and all she could focus on was my sis. And sis doesn't even wanna learn driving. Diao.

I wanted to study somemore. But mum felt it is a waste of money to sponser me. Having enough retirement funds for herself was more important. I guess it is.

Growing up, I always felt insecure and if my parents thought me stupid then I must be pretty dumb. Never liked staying home because I felt like I didn't fit in. Always told people that I was the black sheep of the family. Been my dream since forever to move outta this place. Still working towards that dream.

Nothing has changed much since I was young. Still the black sheep. But I can only be me. No matter how much they don't like who I am. Thats all I can ever be. Slutty clothes and all too.

Tribute to Momo

After four plus long years... Momo, my mottled dwaft hamster, finally passed away on 18 September 2009..

He lived an extraordinary long life. Longer than what most dwaft hamsters in singapore live to anyway. Usually the average dawft hamster here can only live till one plus to two years at most. They live such short lives because of a serious case of inbreeding.

He will also be the very last hamster I will ever keep. I now think a hamster life in a cage is just such a sad way to live. I'll rather they just be left alone from where they came from... be it the fields or wherever. At least it bets living afew years in a boring cage having no freedom and just having a stinky wheel to run in. I think all small animals should just be left in the wild and not kept as pets... just as birds are meant to fly in the air.

Also its too heartbreaking to keep a living thing you have feelings for only to have it pass away two years later...

Anyway... here's just afew pictures of Momo.

This was when I first got Momo. He slept in this same house for four years.





Here he is picking the litter and stuffing his housey with it. He always like to stuff the whole house so full of litter until you couldn't see him at all.

I think this was the first time he got on the wheel. At that time I was thinking to myself that he's so tiny but the wheel so big.. who knew one day he became such a fat fluff ball haha.

And he really loves to eat those black or white nut thing... Not sure is it sesame seeds??

All grown up le. Momo was very tame. He wouldn't nibble or bite anyone at all. You could just feed him seeds or any food from your hand. I was blessed to have such a smart and well behaved little fellow.

Last picture of him... actually I took many photos of him but most of them are blur.. I was a really crap photographer afew years ago.. -_-

He will be one of the two hamsters I have kept in my life that I've always remember. Maybe more so than my robo Fatty hamsty because of how long he lived but as the years went by, he who was originally a fluffball became a skeleton and I guess its just because he was too old... tough to stay fat when you are that old.. but I still felt very sad everytime I looked at him and he was just all bones.. anyway I'm such he is in a much better place now. Hamster heaven or wherever that may be. At least he isn't restricted to a cage anymore. Rest in peace Momo.. I do love you so.

The most longest post I think I will ever make

Its late at night now.. but I can't seem to fall asleep.

I just walked passed the mirror and caught a glimpse of myself. The sight I saw really scared me. For lack of a better word, I looked like death. Or maybe the walking dead. Probably looking like the zombies I always see in those movies I like to watch cause of my falling ill lately.

Haven't been able to sleep all that well since 2 days ago where after eating a simple brought back meal, I couldn't stop running to the toilet. To find myself hurdled over the sink clutching my stomach in pain wishing I could just die instead, to throw up again.. and again.. and again. Never in my whole life have I ever threw up so many times in one day and suffered so much pain everytime my stomach constrict and heave. I hope I never have to go through such torment again.

Not only did I kept hurling up repeatedly but I was struck with having diarrheoa too. WTF. It never rains but pours huh??

When finally my stomach seemed to give me a break, I woke up my mum to tell her I needed her to bring me to the vet. Yes, wtf. I was so delusional gone I said the vet. And maybe also cause I had been to the vet so many times lately it just seemed natural to say the vet. Anyway she understood what I meant.

In the end after what seemed like an eternity, she brought me down whereby I was walking as slow as possible, even worse than a tortoise cause I felt like I had been completely seeped of my strength and energy.. It seemed to take a whole lotta effort to lift each foot up and walk..

We only just came down the lift and was at the void deck when I saw my vision popping stars and growing black and I guess I must have wobbled or something cause mum asked me if I wanted to sit down. I stuck my hand out and grabbed hold of the nearest seat and promtly did just that.

Well, after that I felt like I was going to hurl and all that again and we had to go back up for me to do my thing.

When we came back down, mum had to hold onto one side of my arm while we lumbled to the clinic.. well I guess mostly just me lumbering. We waited so hell long for the doc that I almost blacked out on the chair there. In the end, I got a jab from the doc and a whole lotta gastric and stomach medicine. Which after taking makes my whole gastric and stomach feel stiff. Sounds weird? But thats exactly how it feels like. And if I so much as try to cough, it actually hurts that whole area.

I guess this is what happens when you don't take good care of your stomach and get gastric problems. You end up like me. Which is really a sad case to be.


Haiz.. Can't blame me for yakking so much since it's been quite a long while since I've blogged.. too many things have happened and problems just seemed to kept coming and coming.. actually they are very much still ongoing.

First off, I didn't have the time to blog because of the job post I took up. I loved my new job alot but the working hours were exhausting and contrary to what siao ding dong lady boss Jackie had said at my interview that the people working at the clinic were ' one big, happy family ', that was so not the case. ( That woman is seriously deluded. I wonder where she came to that conclusion. Anyway too bad for her that no one actually likes her and everybody thinks she's a bitch. I don't blame them. After all the times she scolded me for mistakes that other people made and still want me to smile when she is scolding me for fuck. Crazy lunatic. Pity Thiru for marrying her. )
There was so much work politics going on. In the end I lost my job because of it. Also because I refuse to suck up to people. ( Like basket case Jackie who disgraces all the christians with her stuck up attitude. Try and be more humble woman. And Melissa who is how old already but still childish enough to do stupid things like sabo me by putting customers records that I put on queue someplace else so that those poor people never get to see the vet. Grow up la! You're already married and got kid somemore! ) Especially people who expect me to suck up to them and yet do not deserve any decent respect because of the despicable way they act. Anyway as vet Vanessa said... there wasn't any unity in any of the people working at the clinic at all because the females ( except her that is ) were all too busy backstabbing each other backs. The males were left alone for some reason.

Actually I was picked on by Melissa the most. I think she was jealous of me or something? There wasn't any reason for her to dislike me except maybe cause vet Vanessa and vet assistant James got along really well with me. Better than with her. I guess she couldn't deal with the vet liking me more than her when I only been working there for slightly over a month whereas she's been working there over a year ( because I have never backstab the vet unlike her ) and so felt the need to oust me. Well bitch, you succeeded. And this is the kind of values you are going to pass on to your baby girl. You better hope someday, someone doesn't treat your daughter the way you treated me. Thank goodness your husband who is also working there doesn't see fit to sabo or backstab other people into losing their job. But I do believe what goes around, comes around. *cue justin timberland's song in all corniness*

Anyway, after losing my job my two babies kept falling ill one after another.. actually before that they were already sorta sick so I guess the job lost came kinda timely cause it gave me the chance to take care of them 24/7. Which I've been doing till now.

First Juu had diarrhoea. Then skin disease. Then Bian suddenly had fever and flu. Then Juu eye had some problem and wouldn't seem to get well even after seeing three vets. Two from AMK and one from AAVC. All three vets coudn't find anything wrong with her eye and kept giving me stronger and stronger eyedrops.

One night I found Juu rubbing her infected eye viciously until it looked like the insides of her eyes came out. Terrified I rushed her down to mount pleasant hospital and the vet there found that there was a giant ulcer covering more than half of her eye! Was told that the stronger eyedrops all had steriods which made the ulcer a whole lot worse. Had to watch over Juu 24/7 for two weeks more till her eye recovered..

After that one month salary all gone to the cats medical bills but alas! More medical bills to pay as both babies got diarrhoea from a parasite from another kitty I was taking care of when I thought my own cats were finally well. All because another stupid vet ( why I can't seem to find a good vet one??? )told me that the kitty I was taking care of didn't have ANY parasite and so nothing from him was contagious. From then now, they coudn't eat back their regular food and have to eat sensitive diet food permanently ( I'm still trying to find the right sensitive diet ).. And now Bian can't stop sneezing and wheezing even though I've been feeding her her meds.. And I think I will have to bring her back again for a review..

Haiz.. I just want my cats to be well again.. and happy.. and not needing to feed them meds anymore because they don't like it and I don't like doing things that makes them unhappy. Is that so hard???

Away again for some time...

I won't be blogging in the next few days... Why?

Because I won't be in singapore for some time. I'm going on a 'last' enjoyment trip before I officially start work.

Still can't really believe that I was able to get a job that is more than I could ever hope for. A job to do with animals.

I had given up all hope. I was going to accept that I may just have to settle being a beauty advisor or some other job.

Just when I had given up, I received an email saying that I had inquired just in time and a vacancy was available. Two days later, I went down to AMK Veterinary Surgery for my interview. I didn't expect much. Least of all to be hired on the spot. Even lesser than I would get a position like veterinary executive. Like a dream that was exactly what happened.

So here I am now. Still feeling like everything that is happening is so surreal. But I barely have the time to ponder over it.

Tomorrow I will be off someplace else and I will appreciate the days I have left before working life begins.

It's this kind of parents that causes dysfunctional kids

Amazing how my cat knows when I'm upset and can even do her best to comfort me whereas my sucky family don't do a shit. Not only is life the pits. They are the pits too.

The last round when my family upsetted me and hence the previous depressing post, I was sleeping cause that's much better than staying awake and feeling more depress, Bianbian actually came up to my bed and did her kneading thing on me. I forgot whether she was kneading my head pillow or my stomach. Anyway she rarely ever does that. It was only because I was so upset that day.

Just to wake up to see her happily kneading away and purring too. Lol. Can't help but smile at that. And I really do feel that each time she kneads, it is as if she is trying to tell me to feel better.

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I'm starting to really hate family outings. Today sucked so badly too because it seems to be too hard for my family to keep their foul mouth to themselves and not spoil my mood for once. It's like we can never even have a pleasant outing because they can't keep their big mouth shut. Hey I may sprout vulgarities that are obviously foul, but it takes much more 'talent' to be able to say things without any vulgarities yet sound so much more foul.

Funny how when I was young, mother was always saying this phrase, ' If you have nothing good to say, then don't say. ' Yah, people are always forever telling you stuff they themselves don't practise. Dunno why this is the case.

Must tell myself to avoid eating with them as much as possible. Never fail to spoil my appetite with their foul remarks about everything including me. I dunno why I eat food also must come and make me until so unhappy.

Eh, father? Do you feel happy after you open your stupid mouth and make your sarcastic comments mah? Do you feel even more happier when you are still making your foul remarks when I am trying my best to still continue eating and keeping my food down? Is that what you want? To make your own daughter so unhappy that you have officially ruin her appetite and her mood for the whole day??? Well, congrats. You never fail to achieve that.

Most of the times I really wish I could just yell at him and say ' Would it fucking kill you to keep your mouth shut and let me eat in peace for once!!! ' I guess that's too much to ask for.

Funny how he is so eager to please everybody except his own family. Own family never mind la can treat like shit ah. Make mother give him lots of money to gamble shares never mind la. Money drop from the sky mah. Huh money to gamble his shares more important than money wasted on food I didn't finish cause I got small appetite. Ask me to order kid's meal if possible.

Well, I'm fucking sorry if I wasted your precious money on a stupid bowl of noodles I couldn't finish, when you could have used that money to go and 'invest' in your fucking shares again k!!! I will try to never eat food when you are around and da pao my food home so I don't waste your fucking money and eat everything up can???

Life is the pits

Sometimes I wish I could just give up. But life still goes on. Even when you are at the pits, it still goes on.
I told Pea what I would give to be able to start all over again. I said I would even give my soul. It doesn't have to be at the beginning. It just has to be before all the abuse started.
Then maybe I would have had a normal life. Instead of only wishing for a normal one.
I know that when you fall down... you are suppose to pick yourself up.
But maybe when you've fallen too many times... you don't want to get up anymore.

At moments like these, I feel very tired of life.. of everything.. when all the nightmarish times of being abuse comes back.
I keep wonder how unfair it is that the victims suffer so much but the abusers live their life carefreely.

The only thing that keeps me hanging on...

is this face.

Even if everyone left me. She'll be right be my side.

When I look at her and she looks back at me and makes her squirrel sounds, it is the only thing that comforts me.

A glimmer of sunlight

What's the ugliest thing in the world to you?

To me...

Its human nature. Nothing can be uglier than that.

I am no saint.

But what some people can do or say...

It really stuns me.

I am not a good person.

But there are many others who are much worse than me.

Isn't it ironic that people are so much more smarter than animals...

And yet they behave so much more worse than them.

And this is the life we are to live.

How disheartening.



I have a jaded view of life. Most of what I think and see is always dark to me and seldom does sunlight come through.

A little bit of sunlight came through the other day though.

Constantly seeing the ugly nature of people everyday, it was a refreshing change for once.

He is just a old man. He works at one of the hawker stalls. When he brings the food to people, he can just take the money they give, say thanks and just walk away.

Instead, without fail, I always see that he smiles a big genuine smile and makes small talk with people hoping to brighten their day with a joke or entertain them so that they too end up with a smile on their face.

I am glad that there are still people with a good heart out there.

Twisted

Ironic really... how some people told me that no matter what we were going to be friends forever and to promise I would never leave them.

I did.

But in the end, they chose to leave me instead.

It is fine, because I won't judge people for the choices that they make. Even though I may not neccesarily understand why.

Anyway, what did I expect when life was never simple for me. It had always been rather complicated. Even when other children were having simple childhoods, I had a rather twisted one.

Were you a victim of a bully? No? I didn't think so.

Did you have other little girls constantly plotting how to stab you in the back? No? I didn't think so.

Did you have best friends who actually saw you as a enemy and were always finding ways to fuck up your life? No? I didn't think so.

Maybe that's why I turned out the way I did. Sorta twisted in a way.

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All my life I've been judged by people. They either decided I was this really nice person they could take advantage of, or I was this snobbish stuck up person they would never like.

But really, who were they to judge me?

Because of this, I am grateful that I have found a rare few people in my life who have never judged me by what I did or did not do.

Anyway, I think I have gone on babbling in the last few posts too much and still have alot of pictures that I have not posted up. Some dating back to chinese new year. Wtf.

So, pictures up in the next post. =)))