It's this kind of parents that causes dysfunctional kids

Amazing how my cat knows when I'm upset and can even do her best to comfort me whereas my sucky family don't do a shit. Not only is life the pits. They are the pits too.

The last round when my family upsetted me and hence the previous depressing post, I was sleeping cause that's much better than staying awake and feeling more depress, Bianbian actually came up to my bed and did her kneading thing on me. I forgot whether she was kneading my head pillow or my stomach. Anyway she rarely ever does that. It was only because I was so upset that day.

Just to wake up to see her happily kneading away and purring too. Lol. Can't help but smile at that. And I really do feel that each time she kneads, it is as if she is trying to tell me to feel better.

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I'm starting to really hate family outings. Today sucked so badly too because it seems to be too hard for my family to keep their foul mouth to themselves and not spoil my mood for once. It's like we can never even have a pleasant outing because they can't keep their big mouth shut. Hey I may sprout vulgarities that are obviously foul, but it takes much more 'talent' to be able to say things without any vulgarities yet sound so much more foul.

Funny how when I was young, mother was always saying this phrase, ' If you have nothing good to say, then don't say. ' Yah, people are always forever telling you stuff they themselves don't practise. Dunno why this is the case.

Must tell myself to avoid eating with them as much as possible. Never fail to spoil my appetite with their foul remarks about everything including me. I dunno why I eat food also must come and make me until so unhappy.

Eh, father? Do you feel happy after you open your stupid mouth and make your sarcastic comments mah? Do you feel even more happier when you are still making your foul remarks when I am trying my best to still continue eating and keeping my food down? Is that what you want? To make your own daughter so unhappy that you have officially ruin her appetite and her mood for the whole day??? Well, congrats. You never fail to achieve that.

Most of the times I really wish I could just yell at him and say ' Would it fucking kill you to keep your mouth shut and let me eat in peace for once!!! ' I guess that's too much to ask for.

Funny how he is so eager to please everybody except his own family. Own family never mind la can treat like shit ah. Make mother give him lots of money to gamble shares never mind la. Money drop from the sky mah. Huh money to gamble his shares more important than money wasted on food I didn't finish cause I got small appetite. Ask me to order kid's meal if possible.

Well, I'm fucking sorry if I wasted your precious money on a stupid bowl of noodles I couldn't finish, when you could have used that money to go and 'invest' in your fucking shares again k!!! I will try to never eat food when you are around and da pao my food home so I don't waste your fucking money and eat everything up can???

Life is the pits

Sometimes I wish I could just give up. But life still goes on. Even when you are at the pits, it still goes on.
I told Pea what I would give to be able to start all over again. I said I would even give my soul. It doesn't have to be at the beginning. It just has to be before all the abuse started.
Then maybe I would have had a normal life. Instead of only wishing for a normal one.
I know that when you fall down... you are suppose to pick yourself up.
But maybe when you've fallen too many times... you don't want to get up anymore.

At moments like these, I feel very tired of life.. of everything.. when all the nightmarish times of being abuse comes back.
I keep wonder how unfair it is that the victims suffer so much but the abusers live their life carefreely.

The only thing that keeps me hanging on...

is this face.

Even if everyone left me. She'll be right be my side.

When I look at her and she looks back at me and makes her squirrel sounds, it is the only thing that comforts me.

All grown up now

Think it was back in jan or feb when Bianbian decided to mature into a lady cat at 11 months old and started her awful yowling.

I could barely catch any sleep during that period. She has always been more active at night and when she was in heat it was even worse because she would be wailing throughout the whole night and I kept getting up to sayang her. To me even though I was so tired it was still alright because nothing is more important than her. Not even my beauty sleep. Lol.

But then I felt like she was very poor thing because she was yowling and crying so pitifully everyday. So I decided to sent her to the vet to get her sterilised...

So I sent her to this geylang pet clinic. Which was a utter disaster. She was in such a poor state when I went to fetch her back home. My baby looked soggy, her fur was messed up and she smelled bad. Apparently they told me that she shitted and peed while they were doing the surgery thats why her fur so dirty and smelled bad. Then cannot wipe her with a warm towel or something ah??? Or at least clean her up a little. My poor Bianbian. Trust them with my cat then still dare to give her back to me in this state.

It was my mistake to bring her there and I should have brought her to the ava clinic near my house. I believe the shorty vet there would have handled her better.

So that day when I brought her home, because she looked so poor thing, I put her in the ikea pet bed that was meant for mum's dogs.

She doesn't look soggy and messed up here because I kept wiping her down with warm towels as I couldn't bathe her after the surgery. Before cleaning her, her white socks had turned into yellow socks. Wtf. I had to wipe her paws like a million times before they started looking white again.

I think because her abdomen hurt and she felt pain, so she kept changing sleeping positions. Ke lian. It was so heart pain to see her like that. =(

It's not visible in the pictures but her lower abdomen is totally shaved and her arm was not spared either. They shaved a part off and I didn't even noticed it till afew days later. -_-"

Thank goodness her beautiful fur has all grown back now. And she has totally recovered from that incident. =D

Lesson learnt. Never go to the clinic for pets at Geylang ever again!

Bianster cuteness

Hehe the wonders of carrying forward your post as taught by Pea. Comes in hand when I am too lazy to blog.

Anyway, who can get tired of looking at Bianbian huh. =P

Haha cute right? This was when she haven't gone for sterilisation yet and so, her fur is still nice looking instead of looking destroyed.

Almost getting too big to fit in my lap. I miss the time when she was tiny.
So much easier to hold. Now so fat cannot cradle like baby anymore.
If only cats could stay kitten size. Haha then suit me more since I'm so much like a dwaft. Wtf.

Gu Gu the Cat

I don't know if it is just me but this few days I find that my vision is blurry? Like there is a invisible fog.

I keep dropping eye drops but it doesn't seem to be clearing up... I hope this doesn't mean my eyesight is deteriorating... after going through the traumatising horror experience that is Lasik.. maybe I should go check on my eyes soon.

I'm trying to sleep now but I can't. First reason is that I keep thinking about so many things... and second is because it is so fucking hot that I got a neck ache after laying down. Then when I get a neck ache, it will soon progress into a headache. Bloody sian. I miss my lousy air con! =(((

Come on man it isn't that I'm high maintenance but when you have hair as long and as thick as mine... then you'll understand.


Anyway. Since I am up with neck ache and headache I might as well talk about the first cat movie I have ever gotten to watch! So excited.

I think it is the only cat movie I know of in my whole life? Besides Garfield. But he's not even a real cat so that doesn't count la.

Why people don't make more cat movies??? Why always making stupid dog ones instead??? So bias la. Argh.

Anyway... I watched Gugu the Cat on youtube. ( Yes I am a shitty person for not supporting it by watching it in the cinemas! * looks down shamefully * But I think it was lucky I didn't because I kept crying throughout the whole show... even when they weren't showing a sad scene I was still crying. Wtf. -_-" I am a basket case. )

I think this is the cover photo for the movie? So cute right?? But which kitten isn't I guess...


The main lead in the show is about this woman call Asako who is a comic artist whose cat named Saba died. Then she becomes all depressy because the cat has been with her for very long.

I found the way they made Saba died so corny. Before she dies, she became a human gal and said bye to her mistress as a ghost or something.

Cat then cat mah. Why must the cat become a human after it dies?? Cheyer.

Yah, so she goes to a pet shop and buys this new kitty to fill up the emptiness that she feels after her cat's death.

Actually I think the way she found Saba more meaningful because Saba was a stray kitten.

This is the main character with Gu Gu! At least the kitty has a really cute name. Haha I want to call my future kitty Gu Gu too!

And this was when she first brought Gu Gu home. Kinda susprise to know that in japan, apparently when you buy a kitten, they put the kitten in a box that has handles for you to hold onto to carry it home.
I thought only small rodents get put into a box... @_@

More cute pictures of Gu Gu.

The story then goes on to involve the life of her assitant, Naomi. And her love interest Seiji who strikes me as a sorta obnoxious kinda person and I don't like him.

This is Naomi sleeping on the couch with Gu Gu. In the show, she is woken up by Gu Gu humping her leg. Which is the only hint in the show that tells you Gu Gu is a boy unlike Saba.
But I don't really think that male cats hump loh. They are not as perverted as dogs.

My most favourite scene! =D

When Naomi visits Asako who is in hospital, and she opens her jacket to have Gu Gu's cute chubby head pop out. Look at that face! Awww...

Near the end of the story, Asako gets cervix cancer and she thinks she is going to die until she can even dream about meeting and having a talk with Saba... in her human form of course which still icks me to no end. I would rather see the cat with speech bubbles on top of its head.

This angmoh guy in the show who is suppose to be a Shinigami ( Death God ) is the one who brings her to see her cat to have her supposingly 'last talk' before she dies.

But she never die la. Then at the end of the story, the meaning behind her cat's name is revealed cause during the whole story she don't want to tell anyone what Gu Gu means.

And I think this must be like the worse part of the whole show. Lol. Seriously. Because the name is revealed by this really corny song that is sung in the ending.

Anyways...... turns out Gu Gu means....... Good Good. Lol.

Painful eyeballs

Last night I was playing with Bian with this new toy I got back for her from malaysia.

It was one of those cat things where you hold this stick and a toy mouse would be dangling from a string attached to one end of it.

Just like this

Anyway turns out she likes this toy out of all the toys I got back for her.

So I flung the mouse out like how people do when they fish and Bian grabbed hold onto the mouse with her teeth.

Anxious that she would bite the string away so she could run away with the mouse, I quickly yak hard on my end of the stick.

Only to have the mouse come flying back to hit me hard on both eyeballs. Wtf. I don't even get how a thing so small can hit me on both my eyeballs. The size of it, should just be right for one. Unless it bounced off one eyeball and then hit the other. -_-"

Then there was this undescribable intense pain. I just hoped at the moment I wasn't going to go blind for such a stupid action.

After I was done clutching at my eyes, I tried to open them and my vision was blurrier than usual. Wtf. And since it still hurt quite badly I decided it was better to go and sleep. As if there was anything else I could do. Argh.

The culprit!

Chuchu finally realises she is not alright

I did some research today on why abuse victims go back to their abusers and found some articles that helped me understand things better.

I decided to just put some of the links here for myself to refer to.

http://www.enotalone.com/article/4113.html

I have been wondering a long while now whether I am alright psychologically and mentally and after reading afew articles I think I may not be alright at all.

It is hard for myself to understand why I keep going back to an abuser but I think I understand it all a little better now.

I think one of the reasons why is cause I feel rejected back home... rejected by my family... I don't really feel like I am loved or supported there... I think thats why?

Its kinda hard to be analysing your ownself when you are the one sick. I guess it is sorta like a blind person trying to see?

I found this really good article on abusive relationships and the writer of the article names the abuser as ' losers ' in his article.

I do not really expect anyone to read these articles because it is very long and it is not something that affects them so the articles are mainly for myself as reference. To know what is wrong with me. And maybe how to seek help.

http://www.drjoecarver.com/3/miscellaneous2.htm

http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page6.html

And this paragraph quote I took from somewhere that I feel that I can really relate to.

"I only wanted you to be happy." Really? Yes, perhaps that's true. You wanted me
to be happy 'owned' by you. You wanted me to be happy without any 'life' left in
me. You wanted me to be happy in giving up my world and dying for you. You
wanted me to be happily enslaved by you. If you truly wanted me to be happy,
then why do you rule me, abuse me, hold me prisoner, use me, keep me? Why do you
make me needy? Why do you steal all my options, all my freedom, all my
independence, so I have to be totally dependent on you? Why do you deprave
me of the very air I need to breathe? Why have you crushed my spirit? Why am I
an empty shell where there once was life? Was not your point to enslave me
psychologically? To have absolute and unrestricted control over
me? To annihilate my self-esteem so I wouldn't leave you? To
become more manageable of me?"

A glimmer of sunlight

What's the ugliest thing in the world to you?

To me...

Its human nature. Nothing can be uglier than that.

I am no saint.

But what some people can do or say...

It really stuns me.

I am not a good person.

But there are many others who are much worse than me.

Isn't it ironic that people are so much more smarter than animals...

And yet they behave so much more worse than them.

And this is the life we are to live.

How disheartening.



I have a jaded view of life. Most of what I think and see is always dark to me and seldom does sunlight come through.

A little bit of sunlight came through the other day though.

Constantly seeing the ugly nature of people everyday, it was a refreshing change for once.

He is just a old man. He works at one of the hawker stalls. When he brings the food to people, he can just take the money they give, say thanks and just walk away.

Instead, without fail, I always see that he smiles a big genuine smile and makes small talk with people hoping to brighten their day with a joke or entertain them so that they too end up with a smile on their face.

I am glad that there are still people with a good heart out there.