Sunday, May 03, 2009

Chuchu finally realises she is not alright

I did some research today on why abuse victims go back to their abusers and found some articles that helped me understand things better.

I decided to just put some of the links here for myself to refer to.

I have been wondering a long while now whether I am alright psychologically and mentally and after reading afew articles I think I may not be alright at all.

It is hard for myself to understand why I keep going back to an abuser but I think I understand it all a little better now.

I think one of the reasons why is cause I feel rejected back home... rejected by my family... I don't really feel like I am loved or supported there... I think thats why?

Its kinda hard to be analysing your ownself when you are the one sick. I guess it is sorta like a blind person trying to see?

I found this really good article on abusive relationships and the writer of the article names the abuser as ' losers ' in his article.

I do not really expect anyone to read these articles because it is very long and it is not something that affects them so the articles are mainly for myself as reference. To know what is wrong with me. And maybe how to seek help.

And this paragraph quote I took from somewhere that I feel that I can really relate to.

"I only wanted you to be happy." Really? Yes, perhaps that's true. You wanted me
to be happy 'owned' by you. You wanted me to be happy without any 'life' left in
me. You wanted me to be happy in giving up my world and dying for you. You
wanted me to be happily enslaved by you. If you truly wanted me to be happy,
then why do you rule me, abuse me, hold me prisoner, use me, keep me? Why do you
make me needy? Why do you steal all my options, all my freedom, all my
independence, so I have to be totally dependent on you? Why do you deprave
me of the very air I need to breathe? Why have you crushed my spirit? Why am I
an empty shell where there once was life? Was not your point to enslave me
psychologically? To have absolute and unrestricted control over
me? To annihilate my self-esteem so I wouldn't leave you? To
become more manageable of me?"